Christmas 2007 - Jess, me, Meals, and Dianna - the weekend in Pigeon Forge. And it was so good to see them again. I miss them.
Jess is now hangin' in Cyprus, Meals is somewhere in NOVA crackin' down on some lawyers, and Dianna is kickin' it ghetto style in New York. But for one brief weekend, we were all in the same place, having an amazing time together.
Jess cracks me up with her model gorgeous self and the planned smiles she gives in every picture *grin*. Not that she's not having fun, because she's not faking it in the least - but you can tell she knows how to work a camera *grin*. She always has that "come hither" smile *grin*.
Tonight I am sitting on my mother's couch in Dublin, contemplating the conversations of the day, especially the one from Dr. Moffett's class about how this culture is technologically advanced beyond amazement, but how it is a selfish, "me-focused" generation that is immature. I fall into that category, and I can't really lie about it. I can try to cover it up, but the fact of the matter is, my checkbook screams of my immaturity.
Aaah...my favorite picture. I have managed to capture my amazing boyfriend in the middle of his signature move. We were in Alabama helping my cousin and her family move into their new house. Good times as usual. But my cuz is working hard and losing weight - she's amazing in her resolve - and I wish I knew why I can't seem to muster up the same thing. But again, I'm tired of getting into the huge weight conversations and then never doing anything about it.
So I'm in ye ole Dublin tonight, enjoying the gentle (or not so gentle) sounds of my mother snoring *grin*. It's gotten better since her surgery, but she's still pretty bad. So bad, in fact, that I'm probably going to have to go get the ear plugs out of the car. I was hoping to avoid it, tho, because it's cold outside and I just flat out don't feel like going back out.
Well, March Madness is in full swing, and I have no clue how I'm going to do because I really think I picked some crazy dud-like picks. But that's okay - I do it just for the fun :D. I wish I had the time to watch some of the games - hopefully tomorrow I will be able to for a bit.
Well, I think that's about it for now. Just thought I'd drop in and say a few things, although there's nothing really all that profound right now :). I'll be back in again soon :).
"I don't know what this is about, but God says he has a plan and not to worry...that's it."
This was the message I received on Sunday night from a wonderful woman in my choir at church - and it couldn't have been more needed. Seems like it should be a simple thing to believe, but I constantly struggle with it, the closer that graduation time comes.
Graduation at high school was stressful, but it was so full of hope - I was going to get edumicated to continue on in life - there was a bright future ahead.
Graduation at college was great because I was finally able to start my own career and no longer did I have to give answers to please professors but I could finally make my own professional decisions. Still a bit scary because I had to find a job, but it seemed to happen fairly quickly.
Now I'm back at graduation for graduate school, and it's so different, but yet, just the same. But this time, the hope doesn't seem to be there. I've been struggling with this sense of "aimlessness" for the good part of two years now. I've wondered often if there's a plan or if I'm really supposed to find my own way. I didn't necessarily doubt that God had a plan, but all of the sudden it seemed that I had more of a responsibility of choosing what I wanted to do, or what path to take next. There's a Bible verse in Psalm I think that talks about God ordering the steps of the righteous - but I haven't felt very righteous lately. Not supposed to go by feelings, I know.
But what is "REAL"? This is the constant question I struggle with. Is "reality" something that is different for each individual person? Is there a definite reality?
I don't feel like getting into this philosophical crap tonight. I'm in my bedroom, warm and comfy, and I'm listening to the songs I have on my myspace list. I simply love music. I love the way the chords fit together - I love the different elements that make music what it is. I'm passionate about everything there is about music...well, I'm not so passionate about performing practice, which is the class I'm in right now *grin*, but I do like the result of those who study it. I just have no desire to do so.
But the messages aren't all Christian - and after reading Harold Best's "Music Through The Eyes of Faith," I'm not too worried about it. Granted, there are definite things I wouldn't listen to because I feel like it would corrupt my mind...but the jury is still out on some of it.
I want to have something profound to say everytime I write, you know? But unfortunately, I'm now losing steam and my attention is being scattered so that I no longer remember what it was that pushed me to open the blog and write it *grin*.
So, that's it for now...until I remember why I wrote in the first place :)
In typical Sarah fashion, I'm up too late - I should have been doing work, but I got distracted trying to set up my printer to be wireless. He He He - let's just leave it at it hasn't gone well so far. But other than that, I'm sitting at my desk, which has the air vent underneath it, and it's shooting out cold air! I can't quite figure that one out, because the heat is on pretty high for once because I'm super cold, and with the wind chill it's in the 20's here (which is a rare occurrence in itself) - and I feel COLD air coming out of the vent - but it's warm in the house??? I have yet to understand and figure this place out.
I had to buy a new desk chair today - the one I had been broken for a long time evidently and I didn't know it...today it nearly threw me across the room so I decided to bite the bullet and buy a new one. Sometimes Wal-Mart is a Godsend - especially on a tight budget - let's just hope the quality allows it to last long enough for me to get my money's worth out of it!
Well, I've had some computer issues lately - the laptop crashed again and this time, although they said they would save my information for me, the guy did a /fixboot and erased the hard disk without backing anything up - which I knew how to do on my own, had I wanted to lose everything. Well, most of it was backed up on my hard disk...well, that crashed too, for some reason. But not before I got the really important stuff back on the laptop. So I'm thinking I'm just going to start printing everything out (if I can ever get my printer working again *grrr*) so I never completely lose everything.
But with my mind in the state it's been lately, I may have already lost everything anyway *grin*.
Okay - I'm going to try and take some more pictures of Link tomorrow and get them up. He's growing so quickly that I can hardly believe he was small enough to fit in my hand when I first picked him up. I wish I had gotten better pictures of him...he looked so adorable with his smooth head and long floppy ears. He still looks adorable *grin*.
I think I'm done for now - I just wanted to drop a few lines and get another post on the blog since I haven't been on it for a while. Hope all is well wherever you are when you read this :).
I decided to pick a color that I thought would match the screen, but not one I would normally pick. It looks nasty beside all of the other colors on the palette but I have a feeling will look good on the page.
Anyway, this is Link, the new puppy that Nick and I adopted. He's 8 weeks old, and he's an incredibly smart little boy. And he's so CUTE! He has one little pay that has a white spot and two white nails, and the rest are black :).
We're trying now to begin the training - he's already partially house trained, thanks to our breeder. I've enjoyed working with her - if you ever want a puggle, you can check at www.snugglepuggle.tripod.com. Reasonable cost for everything she does for the puppy.
We're going to leave him alone briefly for the first time today - better to do it during the day when my neighbor won't hear the whining :). Anyway, wanted to update everyone - I'll be back to write more about 2008 later :).
I should flat out be in bed. I finished another paper tonight and now I can't seem to make myself go to bed. Too many thoughts running through my head, I suppose. Or it could be the fact that I haven't drank much Mountain Dew since I had the kidney infection at the end of October, and I had a 20 oz. tonight to help me finish off the book and the paper. Two down, three more to go...
The countdown to 2008 has begun - what on earth am I going to do with this new year? Time seems to be quickly slipping away - 31 came faster than 30 - I was okay with 30 because it was a new place to be - 31 is a bit scarier because there's no getting out of it now...I'm in my 30's and I can never go back. Another one from the oldest generation in my family is passing on soon. This year has seemed like the year of death. The one year anniversary of my Dad's passing looms in the distance...January 21st, 2008...I'm beginning to remember things that were happening this time last year - as if I'm reliving the countdown to my Dad's death. It was a night like tonight where I was being totally hyper and couldn't sleep that I posted and the next day was Dad's final breath here on earth...
And it wouldn't be a true end of the year post if I didn't reflect on just how much I weigh and how frustrated I am with myself. I'm on the last leg of my Masters Degree and I'm terrified of not doing well on my project and thesis. I'm also terrified because I'm not sure what comes next - tonight peace doesn't seem as readily accessible as it usually is. God provides, I know, and I have no reason to doubt Him - I'm not so sure of it being doubt that He'll provide - it's more about being afraid I won't like the future. That what He has in store for me isn't what I want and will cause me to go through more heart ache and pain. I've dealt with this irrational fear before, but tonight, I can feel it keenly. I have an idea why - a bitter sweet memory that won't leave my mind's eye.
Keep in mind, I have no real reason to complain - the Lord has been so good to me I don't have any right to say other wise. But feelings and emotions still come, showing me I have a long way to go before I am free from the junk of this world. I no longer hate myself for it, but I can't seem to shake the melancholy feeling that it leaves in its wake.
So for tonight, I must force myself to lay it aside and go to bed - tomorrow requires much of me, and I'm not entirely sure I'm ready!!
I'm sure you'll be hearing more from me, soon...
Hello everyone - in the midst of the end of the semester, I find myself at work with a mind that is so completely scattered I can't hardly stay on task at all. Yesterday, when I should have been home reading and writing a paper, I was out doing what you see to the right...
There is a tradition among the Lee University School of Music - these carollers come out every year and shortly after, the students begin to steal them and strategically place them in places all over the building and even all over the nation...my understanding is that the Father made an appearance in Atlanta, GA with the Singers the other day. Well, evidently, David Holsinger and his wife walked in on the Father and Mother doing something "suspect" in the elevator last year...and well...if you notice, the mother has a new addition.
Anyway, I have a lot on my mind recently. Trying to sort through it all and understand my emotions and feelings...but most of all trying to figure out how they fit into my life. I don't really want to go into any more than that on the internet, but sometimes I wonder what it would be like to make totally drastic decisions instead of sticking to a safe plan. Do something totally wild and unexpected, you know? I'm a spontaneous creature by nature - I thrive off of the unexpected...but there's always something to be said about being steady and constant. I'm getting too old to be too flighty...finding ways to keep that spontaneity in my life is getting hard.
But to break up some of the monotony, I'm traveling quite a bit this Christmas. I'm excited that I'll be able to see my best friends Bill and Tammy in Louisiana. I'm going to be spending about four days down there with them. And even cooler than that, I'm supposed to go down and sing with a group of people that travel around the nation to sing worship music - along the lines of Israel Houghton style...and they get paid. Now wouldn't THAT be awesome!!!?? I would love to sing. I keep wanting to know what God's got planned, but in all honesty, there's no way to really know...it makes me sad in a small way because I'm afraid that I'm going to live my life and nothing every significant ever take place, you know? I feel like I'm racing toward a finish line that is going to come all to quickly and nothing I wanted to get done will get done.
Anyway, I should probably wrap this up and get back to whatever it was I was doing. I'm beginning to get tired - I have some hot chocolate in the back of my car...maybe I'll go get that and fix it :)...
I'm loving the turn of the weather. Yes, it brings all kinds of sinus problems, but the truth of the matter is I'm sick of the stifling heat that this area brings. Mom tells me that Virginia is already seeing temperatures in the 50's (I think at night mostly) - football weather!! :)
Other news, I'm researching a fairly new breed of dog called "Puggles." They're a mix between a Pug and a Beagle. Although my first instinct is to rush out and get one, I'm holding off at the wise council of my Dear Boyfriend (DB). Rushing into it will only get me into trouble, so I want to make sure I'm ready for everything :).
I had my first practice with the choir at my new church - exciting stuff. There have been some things that have been going on that have allowed them to get lazy in the past, and I can tell I'm going to have a bit of a rough hall ahead of me, but I'm going to try and move forward anyway. I'm praying heavily for God's guidance on how to deal with things. But as we're reading in "Music Through the Eyes of Faith," Best explains that the music makers and how we treat them need to be more important than the music itself. We're first ministers of the gospel through song, which means that the people we minister should come first.
And although I want to be careful of people's feelings and desires, I'm most concerned with their spiritual and musical growth. It's my responsibilities to help them grow further than where they are now - the only true way I see that happening is simply being in constant prayer to God about it. I mean, I can teach these people something musically, but spiritually? There are many people who are twice my age...and what a powerful witness! They know and have experienced things as Christians that I may never understand - I don't want to discredit their experiences and understandings given by God - but I'm trying to remember that even in my semi-youth, I still have something to offer spiritually as well.
But of course, my flesh is week as of late. I find myself not nearly as Holy as I used to be *grin*. But is that a bad thing? To me, maybe not - I'm no longer trying to be the perfect Christian. I'm striving to do my best for Christ, and understanding, FINALLY, that I'm human. That I can and will make mistakes - but God's grace is sufficient enough to continue to work through me even when I mess up.
There are areas in my life that I need to deal with. Some things that I continue to get drawn back into because of my flesh nature. Before, I would assume that because I keep going back to it, I need to be "delivered" from it, or have someone lay hands on me to help me overcome the issues. I believe this needs to be done in some cases, but if I'm going to believe what the Word really says, I've already been set free from the sin nature by Christ's work on the cross. I simply need to believe it and allow the Holy Spirit to help me walk in that freedom.
How? By spending time with Him - being in His presence and feeding my spirit man instead of feeding my flesh man. I know this may not make sense to those who aren't familiar with "Christianeze", but I go back to the illustration that my youth pastor gave when I was 16 that I don't believe I'll ever be able to forget. It's like having two dogs - a white one that pulls you one way (into good things) and a black one that pulls you another (into bad things). The one you feed and exercise the most will be the one that wins out in the end. The one with the greater strength will always pull you its way in the end.
I don't know - Fall has always been a signal of something new in me...or a realligning of sorts with God. I'm feeling that same call from Him again :).
