26 Days and Counting

I should flat out be in bed. I finished another paper tonight and now I can't seem to make myself go to bed. Too many thoughts running through my head, I suppose. Or it could be the fact that I haven't drank much Mountain Dew since I had the kidney infection at the end of October, and I had a 20 oz. tonight to help me finish off the book and the paper. Two down, three more to go...

The countdown to 2008 has begun - what on earth am I going to do with this new year? Time seems to be quickly slipping away - 31 came faster than 30 - I was okay with 30 because it was a new place to be - 31 is a bit scarier because there's no getting out of it now...I'm in my 30's and I can never go back. Another one from the oldest generation in my family is passing on soon. This year has seemed like the year of death. The one year anniversary of my Dad's passing looms in the distance...January 21st, 2008...I'm beginning to remember things that were happening this time last year - as if I'm reliving the countdown to my Dad's death. It was a night like tonight where I was being totally hyper and couldn't sleep that I posted and the next day was Dad's final breath here on earth...

And it wouldn't be a true end of the year post if I didn't reflect on just how much I weigh and how frustrated I am with myself. I'm on the last leg of my Masters Degree and I'm terrified of not doing well on my project and thesis. I'm also terrified because I'm not sure what comes next - tonight peace doesn't seem as readily accessible as it usually is. God provides, I know, and I have no reason to doubt Him - I'm not so sure of it being doubt that He'll provide - it's more about being afraid I won't like the future. That what He has in store for me isn't what I want and will cause me to go through more heart ache and pain. I've dealt with this irrational fear before, but tonight, I can feel it keenly. I have an idea why - a bitter sweet memory that won't leave my mind's eye.

Keep in mind, I have no real reason to complain - the Lord has been so good to me I don't have any right to say other wise. But feelings and emotions still come, showing me I have a long way to go before I am free from the junk of this world. I no longer hate myself for it, but I can't seem to shake the melancholy feeling that it leaves in its wake.

So for tonight, I must force myself to lay it aside and go to bed - tomorrow requires much of me, and I'm not entirely sure I'm ready!!

I'm sure you'll be hearing more from me, soon...

December 2007

Hello everyone - in the midst of the end of the semester, I find myself at work with a mind that is so completely scattered I can't hardly stay on task at all. Yesterday, when I should have been home reading and writing a paper, I was out doing what you see to the right...

There is a tradition among the Lee University School of Music - these carollers come out every year and shortly after, the students begin to steal them and strategically place them in places all over the building and even all over the nation...my understanding is that the Father made an appearance in Atlanta, GA with the Singers the other day. Well, evidently, David Holsinger and his wife walked in on the Father and Mother doing something "suspect" in the elevator last year...and well...if you notice, the mother has a new addition.

Anyway, I have a lot on my mind recently. Trying to sort through it all and understand my emotions and feelings...but most of all trying to figure out how they fit into my life. I don't really want to go into any more than that on the internet, but sometimes I wonder what it would be like to make totally drastic decisions instead of sticking to a safe plan. Do something totally wild and unexpected, you know? I'm a spontaneous creature by nature - I thrive off of the unexpected...but there's always something to be said about being steady and constant. I'm getting too old to be too flighty...finding ways to keep that spontaneity in my life is getting hard.

But to break up some of the monotony, I'm traveling quite a bit this Christmas. I'm excited that I'll be able to see my best friends Bill and Tammy in Louisiana. I'm going to be spending about four days down there with them. And even cooler than that, I'm supposed to go down and sing with a group of people that travel around the nation to sing worship music - along the lines of Israel Houghton style...and they get paid. Now wouldn't THAT be awesome!!!?? I would love to sing. I keep wanting to know what God's got planned, but in all honesty, there's no way to really know...it makes me sad in a small way because I'm afraid that I'm going to live my life and nothing every significant ever take place, you know? I feel like I'm racing toward a finish line that is going to come all to quickly and nothing I wanted to get done will get done.

Anyway, I should probably wrap this up and get back to whatever it was I was doing. I'm beginning to get tired - I have some hot chocolate in the back of my car...maybe I'll go get that and fix it :)...

The Stirrings of Fall

I'm loving the turn of the weather. Yes, it brings all kinds of sinus problems, but the truth of the matter is I'm sick of the stifling heat that this area brings. Mom tells me that Virginia is already seeing temperatures in the 50's (I think at night mostly) - football weather!! :)

Other news, I'm researching a fairly new breed of dog called "Puggles." They're a mix between a Pug and a Beagle. Although my first instinct is to rush out and get one, I'm holding off at the wise council of my Dear Boyfriend (DB). Rushing into it will only get me into trouble, so I want to make sure I'm ready for everything :).

I had my first practice with the choir at my new church - exciting stuff. There have been some things that have been going on that have allowed them to get lazy in the past, and I can tell I'm going to have a bit of a rough hall ahead of me, but I'm going to try and move forward anyway. I'm praying heavily for God's guidance on how to deal with things. But as we're reading in "Music Through the Eyes of Faith," Best explains that the music makers and how we treat them need to be more important than the music itself. We're first ministers of the gospel through song, which means that the people we minister should come first.

And although I want to be careful of people's feelings and desires, I'm most concerned with their spiritual and musical growth. It's my responsibilities to help them grow further than where they are now - the only true way I see that happening is simply being in constant prayer to God about it. I mean, I can teach these people something musically, but spiritually? There are many people who are twice my age...and what a powerful witness! They know and have experienced things as Christians that I may never understand - I don't want to discredit their experiences and understandings given by God - but I'm trying to remember that even in my semi-youth, I still have something to offer spiritually as well.

But of course, my flesh is week as of late. I find myself not nearly as Holy as I used to be *grin*. But is that a bad thing? To me, maybe not - I'm no longer trying to be the perfect Christian. I'm striving to do my best for Christ, and understanding, FINALLY, that I'm human. That I can and will make mistakes - but God's grace is sufficient enough to continue to work through me even when I mess up.

There are areas in my life that I need to deal with. Some things that I continue to get drawn back into because of my flesh nature. Before, I would assume that because I keep going back to it, I need to be "delivered" from it, or have someone lay hands on me to help me overcome the issues. I believe this needs to be done in some cases, but if I'm going to believe what the Word really says, I've already been set free from the sin nature by Christ's work on the cross. I simply need to believe it and allow the Holy Spirit to help me walk in that freedom.

How? By spending time with Him - being in His presence and feeding my spirit man instead of feeding my flesh man. I know this may not make sense to those who aren't familiar with "Christianeze", but I go back to the illustration that my youth pastor gave when I was 16 that I don't believe I'll ever be able to forget. It's like having two dogs - a white one that pulls you one way (into good things) and a black one that pulls you another (into bad things). The one you feed and exercise the most will be the one that wins out in the end. The one with the greater strength will always pull you its way in the end.

I don't know - Fall has always been a signal of something new in me...or a realligning of sorts with God. I'm feeling that same call from Him again :).

Monday Morning and a Mac

I have firmly posted my posterior in the on campus cafe known as Jazzmans...and they're playing some pretty wild music. Typical coffee shop jazz/techno. The piano improvisation is pretty lively, but all in all it doesn't cover the fact that it's actually Monday morning and I'm up at an insane hour for a piano lesson. She simply gave me an assignment this morning and sent me on my way to get a proficiency packet that doesn't exist in the book store.

*sigh* I'm not really complaining - just tired??

Anyway, I find myself battling old demons recently. I've got all the paperwork filled out and I'm going to go in for an initial intake appointment at the Counseling center today. Why I'm announcing this on my blog, I'm not sure...it just seems to be the thing to talk about right now. I'm finding that there are evidently some open, gaping wounds I'm still carrying around in my heart, and I'm tired of being affected and hurt by these things.

I'm also amazed by the amount of songs that I never really listened to the lyrics for. Switchfoot is a prime example - I was going to look up the name and lyrics of the songs (because obviously I don't notice those things, hence the post) but I can't seem to figure out a way to open another browser window on this Mac. Where are my convenient tabs? Why can I not choose the color and font of my text for this post? Eh...Macs...I wanted one just for the sole purpose of Garage Band, but now that there seem to be Macs on campus somwhere, I'm thinking I'll just stick to this one...I'm not too happy about looking at this camera on the top of it - I'm one of those paranoid few who think that someone in the higher ups is watching me. Anyway, the point is, I need to pay more attention to what I'm listening to...one was about death and it made me think of Dad, and then the other was about going home to Heaven. All things that I think about a lot lately.

Well, I was just stopping in to check out the new Macs and possibly goof off a bit. I have work today for Dr. Boutwell that I'm not necessarily looking forward to. If I didn't think she'd have a coronary, I'd drop the assistantship, but I won't do that to her when things seem to be hard enough as it is. But I won't continue in the Spring unless the Lord shows me some reason why I should. I'll pray about it of course, but I don't want this headache while I'm trying to write my Thesis as well. I'm having a hard enough time trying to get the ridiculous prospectus done!

Okay, off to the rest of my day...

Caged Animals

I'm writing to you from the tiny room in the MRC known as the Media Lab - MRC is Music Resource Center for all for the non-Lee-musicites out there. I love the beginning of school, because everyone always starts with the best intentions. "I'm not going to miss any classes," "I'm going to turn in all my homework on time," "I'm going to get up and walk every morning"...etc, etc, etc.

Well, the School of Music is trying to crack down on would-be users of the computers in the Media Lab that shouldn't be - WHY it would be a bad thing for them to use it, I don't know...so they now lock the door and force you to fork over your student ID as well as sign your life away on a sheet that doesn't really say anything on it about why you're signing it. Then they open it and shut you in...ignoring the fact that this many computers in a tiny room will do nothing but raise the temperature about 20 degrees.

So we're all stuck in here like caged animals...and something about it makes me want to bolt for the door everytime the attendee opens it, even though I'm not being detained against my will. I feel like I should be beating on the glass window and begging for food or something...

Just like all the other good intentions that people have in the beginning, I wonder just how long this will last? We will have to see...I'll try to report - because I know that you care *smirk*.

I can't believe that this week has gone by so quickly - tomorrow will be Friday and the first full week of classes will be over. Is this an indication of how the rest of the semester is going to go? It's kind of terrifying, because it puts me one step closer to graduation, which on one had will be freakin' awesome - but the other hand will leave me at that same dreaded crossroads of "what now?"

But it's all good - GOD is good...and I know He has a plan that I don't necessarily need to see yet. So I'm going to try my hardest not to worry about it right now and focus on getting this research completed as well as my thesis.

I'm enjoying my two classes with Dr. Moffett so far, because he's challenging my ideas and that in turn is helping me to further clarify my stance on important issues...open my eyes, really, to some things that I didn't necessarily think about before. Same way that Dr. Thompson changed the way I thought about music education, I now find Dr. Moffett's classes doing the same thing.

The idea of having a Philosophy of Music Education or of Church Music didn't mean anything to me before, but all of the sudden, I realize just how vital it is to be clear on what you believe and defining the purpose for whatever it is you do - my Philosophy of Music Education will ultimately affect how I teach just as my philosophy of church music will affect how I lead worship.

To be honest, these classes have really pointed out just how self-focused I have been. When teaching, I was more concerned about the music we were making and how we sounded than what the students were walking away with from my classroom and if I was teaching students to be independent musicians. As far as church work is concerned, I'm learning that I was more concerned with what type of music we were using to lead people in to worship and not necessarily the meaning of the text. I mean, I thought I was doing these things, but because I didn't have a clear picture in my head of what it was I was trying to accomplish and how, I was using methods that were more all about me than they were about helping others...and I never realized it.

I don't know if this is what it means to be 30, but I thought for sure by now I would have a more solid grip on who I am. Maybe I'm a late bloomer. Maybe I'm a whole lot less mature than I originally thought. All I know is that the older I get, I recognize just how much pride and obstinance really does rule my life. And what's sad about that is this realization of just how much of my life I haven't surrendered to God under the assumption that I had.

But that's another conversation for another day - right now, I need to think about finding some food and drink, because class time is drawing near...and I have a feeling that this class is going to end up being one huge debate...

Lord help me keep my mouth shut *grin*.

Falling Out of Chairs

Ah...I made it in to work for the ministry today and found myself playing musical chairs. You see, I'm short, so my feet never touch the ground in most chairs - so I usually find a chair that I can touch in and just use that. Well, today the boss decided to help me find a chair somewhere in the office that would work. Being a non-profit, they have a lot of donated items that allow you to have any manner of chair - most have something about them that don't necessarily work, but hey, they're free. I'm used to that aspect of non-profit.

However the last chair we found was the one in the front office - and being the heavy-weight that I am, I tend to throw myself down into every chair I sit in instead of being ladylike :) - yup, this happened to be one of those that flies backwards easily...my legs went up in the air and I nearly threw myself out, but managed to hold on for dear life. And the bossman began laughing hysterically :).

I of course laughed because what else are you going to do? It was funny...but then *I* start to laugh and it brings up the whole laughter conversation. He said that he and his wife agreed that one of my strongest attributes was my laughter.

????

Wow - thanks *grin* - he then quickly said some other stuff about my intelligence, blah blah blah - it was just funny.

In all honesty, I've always been known for my laugh. I get lost in laughter and don't realize how loud I get. I love to laugh - but man, it's always been a sore spot for me because I've either been made fun of for it or simply told that I'm too loud and I need to be quiet. I'm one of those annoying loud office people at times. So if someone is in a bad mood, I'm the first target because I'm naturally loud, period.

Ah well, not intending to complain - just making a comment I guess. Laughter is the best medicine until someone gets a headache :). I guess it's all a part of getting used to who I am - being comfortable in my own skin. God made me this way and I have to learn to deal with the good and the bad :).

This learning to like yourself for who you are stuff is kinda hard.

Dawn of a New Blog

Hola everybody - welcome to the site of my new blog. I have another, but it's material I wrote over the past few years and I'm feeling like a new blog is in order. Hopefully I'll be updating it regularly, so please feel free to subscribe to keep updated with the things going on in my life. Sometimes it's hard to let everyone know what is going on...and this way just tends to be easier.

In a lot of ways, this is truly a new era for me. As John Mayer's song, "Stop this Train" runs through my mind, the line "I'm just one step away from finding life out on my own" takes on new meaning. With my Dad now living in our eternal home, it seems this world has taken on a whole new view to me. It's amazing how one event can redefine your whole life.

Anyway, I just wanted to get something up on the page to get started with. If you're a friend and you have a blog, let me know and I'll link you up on my page - I'm a huge blogger fan...so be sure to check back often...my life is such a rollercoaster I'm sure someone else will want to take the ride with me :).