26 Days and Counting

I should flat out be in bed. I finished another paper tonight and now I can't seem to make myself go to bed. Too many thoughts running through my head, I suppose. Or it could be the fact that I haven't drank much Mountain Dew since I had the kidney infection at the end of October, and I had a 20 oz. tonight to help me finish off the book and the paper. Two down, three more to go...

The countdown to 2008 has begun - what on earth am I going to do with this new year? Time seems to be quickly slipping away - 31 came faster than 30 - I was okay with 30 because it was a new place to be - 31 is a bit scarier because there's no getting out of it now...I'm in my 30's and I can never go back. Another one from the oldest generation in my family is passing on soon. This year has seemed like the year of death. The one year anniversary of my Dad's passing looms in the distance...January 21st, 2008...I'm beginning to remember things that were happening this time last year - as if I'm reliving the countdown to my Dad's death. It was a night like tonight where I was being totally hyper and couldn't sleep that I posted and the next day was Dad's final breath here on earth...

And it wouldn't be a true end of the year post if I didn't reflect on just how much I weigh and how frustrated I am with myself. I'm on the last leg of my Masters Degree and I'm terrified of not doing well on my project and thesis. I'm also terrified because I'm not sure what comes next - tonight peace doesn't seem as readily accessible as it usually is. God provides, I know, and I have no reason to doubt Him - I'm not so sure of it being doubt that He'll provide - it's more about being afraid I won't like the future. That what He has in store for me isn't what I want and will cause me to go through more heart ache and pain. I've dealt with this irrational fear before, but tonight, I can feel it keenly. I have an idea why - a bitter sweet memory that won't leave my mind's eye.

Keep in mind, I have no real reason to complain - the Lord has been so good to me I don't have any right to say other wise. But feelings and emotions still come, showing me I have a long way to go before I am free from the junk of this world. I no longer hate myself for it, but I can't seem to shake the melancholy feeling that it leaves in its wake.

So for tonight, I must force myself to lay it aside and go to bed - tomorrow requires much of me, and I'm not entirely sure I'm ready!!

I'm sure you'll be hearing more from me, soon...

December 2007

Hello everyone - in the midst of the end of the semester, I find myself at work with a mind that is so completely scattered I can't hardly stay on task at all. Yesterday, when I should have been home reading and writing a paper, I was out doing what you see to the right...

There is a tradition among the Lee University School of Music - these carollers come out every year and shortly after, the students begin to steal them and strategically place them in places all over the building and even all over the nation...my understanding is that the Father made an appearance in Atlanta, GA with the Singers the other day. Well, evidently, David Holsinger and his wife walked in on the Father and Mother doing something "suspect" in the elevator last year...and well...if you notice, the mother has a new addition.

Anyway, I have a lot on my mind recently. Trying to sort through it all and understand my emotions and feelings...but most of all trying to figure out how they fit into my life. I don't really want to go into any more than that on the internet, but sometimes I wonder what it would be like to make totally drastic decisions instead of sticking to a safe plan. Do something totally wild and unexpected, you know? I'm a spontaneous creature by nature - I thrive off of the unexpected...but there's always something to be said about being steady and constant. I'm getting too old to be too flighty...finding ways to keep that spontaneity in my life is getting hard.

But to break up some of the monotony, I'm traveling quite a bit this Christmas. I'm excited that I'll be able to see my best friends Bill and Tammy in Louisiana. I'm going to be spending about four days down there with them. And even cooler than that, I'm supposed to go down and sing with a group of people that travel around the nation to sing worship music - along the lines of Israel Houghton style...and they get paid. Now wouldn't THAT be awesome!!!?? I would love to sing. I keep wanting to know what God's got planned, but in all honesty, there's no way to really know...it makes me sad in a small way because I'm afraid that I'm going to live my life and nothing every significant ever take place, you know? I feel like I'm racing toward a finish line that is going to come all to quickly and nothing I wanted to get done will get done.

Anyway, I should probably wrap this up and get back to whatever it was I was doing. I'm beginning to get tired - I have some hot chocolate in the back of my car...maybe I'll go get that and fix it :)...