A Blob of Nothingness

"I don't know what this is about, but God says he has a plan and not to worry...that's it."

This was the message I received on Sunday night from a wonderful woman in my choir at church - and it couldn't have been more needed. Seems like it should be a simple thing to believe, but I constantly struggle with it, the closer that graduation time comes.

Graduation at high school was stressful, but it was so full of hope - I was going to get edumicated to continue on in life - there was a bright future ahead.

Graduation at college was great because I was finally able to start my own career and no longer did I have to give answers to please professors but I could finally make my own professional decisions. Still a bit scary because I had to find a job, but it seemed to happen fairly quickly.

Now I'm back at graduation for graduate school, and it's so different, but yet, just the same. But this time, the hope doesn't seem to be there. I've been struggling with this sense of "aimlessness" for the good part of two years now. I've wondered often if there's a plan or if I'm really supposed to find my own way. I didn't necessarily doubt that God had a plan, but all of the sudden it seemed that I had more of a responsibility of choosing what I wanted to do, or what path to take next. There's a Bible verse in Psalm I think that talks about God ordering the steps of the righteous - but I haven't felt very righteous lately. Not supposed to go by feelings, I know.

But what is "REAL"? This is the constant question I struggle with. Is "reality" something that is different for each individual person? Is there a definite reality?

I don't feel like getting into this philosophical crap tonight. I'm in my bedroom, warm and comfy, and I'm listening to the songs I have on my myspace list. I simply love music. I love the way the chords fit together - I love the different elements that make music what it is. I'm passionate about everything there is about music...well, I'm not so passionate about performing practice, which is the class I'm in right now *grin*, but I do like the result of those who study it. I just have no desire to do so.

But the messages aren't all Christian - and after reading Harold Best's "Music Through The Eyes of Faith," I'm not too worried about it. Granted, there are definite things I wouldn't listen to because I feel like it would corrupt my mind...but the jury is still out on some of it.

I want to have something profound to say everytime I write, you know? But unfortunately, I'm now losing steam and my attention is being scattered so that I no longer remember what it was that pushed me to open the blog and write it *grin*.

So, that's it for now...until I remember why I wrote in the first place :)

Caged Animals

I'm writing to you from the tiny room in the MRC known as the Media Lab - MRC is Music Resource Center for all for the non-Lee-musicites out there. I love the beginning of school, because everyone always starts with the best intentions. "I'm not going to miss any classes," "I'm going to turn in all my homework on time," "I'm going to get up and walk every morning"...etc, etc, etc.

Well, the School of Music is trying to crack down on would-be users of the computers in the Media Lab that shouldn't be - WHY it would be a bad thing for them to use it, I don't know...so they now lock the door and force you to fork over your student ID as well as sign your life away on a sheet that doesn't really say anything on it about why you're signing it. Then they open it and shut you in...ignoring the fact that this many computers in a tiny room will do nothing but raise the temperature about 20 degrees.

So we're all stuck in here like caged animals...and something about it makes me want to bolt for the door everytime the attendee opens it, even though I'm not being detained against my will. I feel like I should be beating on the glass window and begging for food or something...

Just like all the other good intentions that people have in the beginning, I wonder just how long this will last? We will have to see...I'll try to report - because I know that you care *smirk*.

I can't believe that this week has gone by so quickly - tomorrow will be Friday and the first full week of classes will be over. Is this an indication of how the rest of the semester is going to go? It's kind of terrifying, because it puts me one step closer to graduation, which on one had will be freakin' awesome - but the other hand will leave me at that same dreaded crossroads of "what now?"

But it's all good - GOD is good...and I know He has a plan that I don't necessarily need to see yet. So I'm going to try my hardest not to worry about it right now and focus on getting this research completed as well as my thesis.

I'm enjoying my two classes with Dr. Moffett so far, because he's challenging my ideas and that in turn is helping me to further clarify my stance on important issues...open my eyes, really, to some things that I didn't necessarily think about before. Same way that Dr. Thompson changed the way I thought about music education, I now find Dr. Moffett's classes doing the same thing.

The idea of having a Philosophy of Music Education or of Church Music didn't mean anything to me before, but all of the sudden, I realize just how vital it is to be clear on what you believe and defining the purpose for whatever it is you do - my Philosophy of Music Education will ultimately affect how I teach just as my philosophy of church music will affect how I lead worship.

To be honest, these classes have really pointed out just how self-focused I have been. When teaching, I was more concerned about the music we were making and how we sounded than what the students were walking away with from my classroom and if I was teaching students to be independent musicians. As far as church work is concerned, I'm learning that I was more concerned with what type of music we were using to lead people in to worship and not necessarily the meaning of the text. I mean, I thought I was doing these things, but because I didn't have a clear picture in my head of what it was I was trying to accomplish and how, I was using methods that were more all about me than they were about helping others...and I never realized it.

I don't know if this is what it means to be 30, but I thought for sure by now I would have a more solid grip on who I am. Maybe I'm a late bloomer. Maybe I'm a whole lot less mature than I originally thought. All I know is that the older I get, I recognize just how much pride and obstinance really does rule my life. And what's sad about that is this realization of just how much of my life I haven't surrendered to God under the assumption that I had.

But that's another conversation for another day - right now, I need to think about finding some food and drink, because class time is drawing near...and I have a feeling that this class is going to end up being one huge debate...

Lord help me keep my mouth shut *grin*.