This is the man who taught me to fish :). Notice the bluegill on the line? *grin* That was probably the first fish I ever caught. Everything about this picture is adorable to me - the Reebok tennis shoes with the black socks - those familiar slacks that he would wear - the huge glasses to help with the sunlight in his eyes, the trucker's hat - and above all - the pocket protector in his shirt pocket for his pens and his glasses. This man, not perfect by any means, is the reason why so much in my life is right today. My mother had an even greater deal to do with it, with all of her praying and striving to keep me out of trouble :). But I saw this picture, and after thinking about so many things tonight, I am reminded once again of just how good God really is. Time and time again I find myself getting worried about situations - what's going to happen next, am I making the right decision, have I really ruined my life - and so many times, God must be looking down at me and shaking his head - frustrated, maybe, but a longing gentle smile on his face - "My child, why do you worry and plan what I've already worked out with my own loving hand?"
And that's what tonight has been for me - a remembrance, a reminder - of how all the times I've made horrible decisions, the Lord has been true to his word and worked them out for my good. I can look back in so many different situations and see how God has worked - even when I didn't deserve it - and still taken care of things for me. Who am I to worry?
How humbling, but how PEACEFUL it is to realize that He truly has everything in his hands - my job really is to sit back and simply enjoy the ride as best as I can - waiting on him and not trying to force things myself. I know others may have the exact opposite problem, needing God to make them take a move - but I've always gone ahead, trying to orchestrate things that really didn't need my help at all *grin*.
So tonight I write because I feel such a peace - such a happiness about my wonderful Savior - I'm not saying I have things worked out - that I won't stop worrying, but I'm going to try to keep this remembrance, like the Israelites did with the 12 stones, I believe, when the red sea parted, so that I am always reminded of God's provision and his ability to make things work out for my good.
I should flat out be in bed. I finished another paper tonight and now I can't seem to make myself go to bed. Too many thoughts running through my head, I suppose. Or it could be the fact that I haven't drank much Mountain Dew since I had the kidney infection at the end of October, and I had a 20 oz. tonight to help me finish off the book and the paper. Two down, three more to go...
The countdown to 2008 has begun - what on earth am I going to do with this new year? Time seems to be quickly slipping away - 31 came faster than 30 - I was okay with 30 because it was a new place to be - 31 is a bit scarier because there's no getting out of it now...I'm in my 30's and I can never go back. Another one from the oldest generation in my family is passing on soon. This year has seemed like the year of death. The one year anniversary of my Dad's passing looms in the distance...January 21st, 2008...I'm beginning to remember things that were happening this time last year - as if I'm reliving the countdown to my Dad's death. It was a night like tonight where I was being totally hyper and couldn't sleep that I posted and the next day was Dad's final breath here on earth...
And it wouldn't be a true end of the year post if I didn't reflect on just how much I weigh and how frustrated I am with myself. I'm on the last leg of my Masters Degree and I'm terrified of not doing well on my project and thesis. I'm also terrified because I'm not sure what comes next - tonight peace doesn't seem as readily accessible as it usually is. God provides, I know, and I have no reason to doubt Him - I'm not so sure of it being doubt that He'll provide - it's more about being afraid I won't like the future. That what He has in store for me isn't what I want and will cause me to go through more heart ache and pain. I've dealt with this irrational fear before, but tonight, I can feel it keenly. I have an idea why - a bitter sweet memory that won't leave my mind's eye.
Keep in mind, I have no real reason to complain - the Lord has been so good to me I don't have any right to say other wise. But feelings and emotions still come, showing me I have a long way to go before I am free from the junk of this world. I no longer hate myself for it, but I can't seem to shake the melancholy feeling that it leaves in its wake.
So for tonight, I must force myself to lay it aside and go to bed - tomorrow requires much of me, and I'm not entirely sure I'm ready!!
I'm sure you'll be hearing more from me, soon...
